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Quotes

  • My first name doesn’t come on magnets

    I’ve trained for decades in the art of patiently waiting for people to butcher my name. It’s often a teacher or customer service official who has to read aloud from a list. I listen to them breeze through Daniel and Jennifer and even Dwayne, but inevitably, there’s a break in their rhythm. “James! Carrie! Karima! […]

  • On drawstrings in washing machines

    Sweatpants drawstring, just being in the privacy of the washing machine does not make it okay to rape the other clothing. My underwear and socks do not appreciate being forced into a three-way with you. I do not appreciate having to rescue my underwear and socks from said three-way. And don’t get all pouty and […]